1996
John Murlowski
John Murlowski
Blake (Hulk Hogan) is a jerk-ass millionaire who’s made a
fortune selling workout supplements. He’s mean and greedy and pretty dumb as
evidenced by an unnecessary chase with the police which ends up with him hiding
in a mall. Continuing his string of bad decisions, he dresses up like a mall
Santa, falls down a garbage chute and bangs his head. When he regains consciousness, he
thinks he’s the real Santa Claus. This is surprisingly well timed since there happens
to be an orphanage sitting over a mother lode of magic crystals and an
evil scientist who wants to get his hands on them.
‘Santa with Muscles’ pretty much embodies everything you
fear going into a children’s Christmas movie: It’s beyond stupid, It’s filled
with overly sentimental pap, and it plays every emotion and physical bit of
comedy at such an overblown pitch, (in the wrong headed notion you have to
constantly have loud things happening to keep a kid’s attention) that it
becomes exhausting. There are a few
minor highlights, an evil geologist who wants to turn people into fossils, you
can spot a young Mila Kunis, and it’s still more entertaining than ‘Jingle All
the Way’ (1996).
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